Aug 21, 2013

Don't let me be like that guy.

It's a funny thing, talking with God. This small, often invisible dialogue, that comes out from nowhere while you folding the laundry. The kind of talk, where you stop seeing the laundry, and instead you are being revealed a glimpse of possibilities. Or instead, something that was plain in front of you all this time. It just took His gentle nudging to let you see.

I want to start this off with "this guy", the kind of guy that I don't want to be.

Actually it all started with me freaking out over two palmetto bugs (if you are not familiar with these creatures, feel free to google them). It is sufficient to say, that there is little else that frightens me to the very core of my heart. They were not important, they were slain by my knight of a husband. But, out of their deaths came a heart's cry "If only." And the myriad of wishes started to pour in. "If only I was not scared of them." "If only they were bright green or blue." "If only."

Then a voice said, "If tonight, you could have one single wish granted, what would it be? Just like that: anything you ask right now, it would be given - what would it be?"
And my mind started to churn, weighing my heart, weighing my wants, and weighing my prayers. Riches, endless riches for me. "Is that really what you want?"

A part of me, was tempted to  say "YES!" To go on a mission trip without worrying about the money, to help anyone with adoption, HECK, to do something HUGE and MEANINGFUL with all that money and help SO many people. But the other part of me, the part that's a little bit more honest said "Not really. You know you. You will not do those things you think you will do. You will be forever changed from what you could be." So, no Money wasn't it.

Of course. Complete and immediate cure to all the "butterflies" in the world (the EB kids and adults that weigh so heavy on my heart). No doubt in my mind. right now, yes, a 100 times YES!
But what about the rest, that suffer too? The hidden away in cages of the EE orphanages? The abused in the crack houses? The ones that are raped over and over day after day in Thailand by rich western tourists? the ones that are dying of starvation and HIV in the refugee camps of Rwanda? The North Koreans? The ones that...and the weight started to add up. And the atrocities of our kind started to flood my heart. WHICH wrong will you choose to right, right now?!

How do I choose. And that is when, the answer was clear. Don't be "that guy". The weight of this world is not for your shoulders, child. You are not fit for it. You were not meant to bear it. The cross is NOT YOURS TO BEAR.

  You are not the Atlas. You are being carried on MY shoulders. Since before you were born, and until your last breath. That is why there is no "one wish". But there is no limit on prayers. There is no limit on how many things I choose to break your heart with, because your prayers reach me. You don't understand the why, but I do. You may not accept "no", but I want you to know that I know when you are praying for them. And one day you might understand the reason and see My plan.

I am not Atlas, and God is not a genie. He is God. Always sovereign. Always listening.
And just to clear any misunderstanding, at no point I thought that God was about to grant me magic wishes, and I valiantly turned down to be a millionaire. I knew all along that he was being hypothetical. In like, 3D!

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