Sometimes, driving in my car, or washing the dishes, or showering (those are my special God moments)I think back on the years before God. I'm sure a lot of your will agree, those who were not born with religion around you but have come to God later in life - there comes a point where it's hard to remember or imagine your life without God.
When I first was saved I was afraid that it will "wear off". Like the high after a concert or an event - the excitement wears off after sometime. Like wine, like a drug - the "groovy feelings" will dissipate in reality. I was afraid that one day I will wake up and realize that I don't really believe in God, or salvation, or Jesus. That I will look at myself and feel foolish.
For months, I kept checking my heart, and each day, not a day went by when I did not think about You. And I had my Christian friends - strong, mature believers to help me and guide me and most of all teach me. And yet, I was afraid that one day You will go "poof!", like a cartoon fairy. And I will be back in the world again. Without You. Without hope. Without something precious.
Years went by, but the tiny light was not extinguished. After a while I started to get scared, what if there will be a "test" - a calamity, a tragedy in my life and I will not pass? What if something bad happens to someone I love, and I will get angry and stop believing in You?
I lived in fear, as if my head was already under the guillotine blade - waiting to it to fall. But no calamity came, things were as peaceful as ever. And You would not wear off, I thought of you daily. My heart rejoiced at thinking about You, reading Your word - every time.Sometime I would slip - I still do, and I purposefully shut You out my life for a time. But when I open the shutters - You are there, patiently waiting. Your prodigal daughter, each time you rush out to hug me and rejoice.
Could this be truly real? How can I be saved, yet be afraid for my faith to go "poof"? Over the years, the tiny flicker in my heart was growing stronger. I did nothing to feed it, but it did. The fire in my bones..But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." Oh Jeremiah, what beautiful words.
Little by little I started to realize that if the tragedy strikes - I will go on. I will shake the grief eventually, and continue marching ahead, because you will be carrying me. The fire burns inside, I now know that no matter happens int he future - you will not "wear off". You will shine only brighter each day, and You will be mine always, and I am Yours.
My little brother asked me, the last time we met "How did you get into religion like that? What was the point for you?"
I could not say, because I don't know. Its not a religion. Its love. I am in love. There is not a particular moment, no road to Damascus that happened. I cannot explain but I think my heart was always pointing to Him, my feet were simply walking on the wrong paths. I don't know what "clicked", how, what words were said to me. I just know that at some point I realized who I was - His. Always. No matter what.
And this is just the beginning.