Mar 17, 2011

God doesn't "wear off"

Sometimes, driving in my car, or washing the dishes, or showering (those are my special God moments)I think back on the years before God. I'm sure a lot of your will agree, those who were not born with religion around you but have come to God later in life - there comes a point where it's hard to remember or imagine your life without God.

When I first was saved I was afraid that it will "wear off". Like the high after a concert or an event - the excitement wears off after sometime. Like wine, like a drug - the "groovy feelings" will dissipate in reality. I was afraid that one day I will wake up and realize that I don't really believe in God, or salvation, or Jesus. That I will look at myself and feel foolish.

For months, I kept checking my heart, and each day, not a day went by when I did not think about You. And I had my Christian friends - strong, mature believers to help me and guide me and most of all teach me. And yet, I was afraid that one day You will go "poof!", like a cartoon fairy. And I will be back in the world again. Without You. Without hope. Without something precious.
Years went by, but the tiny light was not extinguished. After a while I started to get scared, what if there will be a "test" - a calamity, a tragedy in my life and I will not pass? What if something bad happens to someone I love, and I will get angry and stop believing in You?
I lived in fear, as if my head was already under the guillotine blade - waiting to it to fall. But no calamity came, things were as peaceful as ever. And You would not wear off, I thought of you daily. My heart rejoiced at thinking about You, reading Your word - every time.Sometime I would slip - I still do, and I purposefully shut You out my life for a time. But when I open the shutters - You are there, patiently waiting. Your prodigal daughter, each time you rush out to hug me and rejoice.

Could this be truly real? How can I be saved, yet be afraid for my faith to go "poof"? Over the years, the tiny flicker in my heart was growing stronger. I did nothing to feed it, but it did. The fire in my bones..But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." Oh Jeremiah, what beautiful words.
Little by little I started to realize that if the tragedy strikes - I will go on. I will shake the grief eventually, and continue marching ahead, because you will be carrying me. The fire burns inside, I now know that no matter happens int he future - you will not "wear off". You will shine only brighter each day, and You will be mine always, and I am Yours.

My little brother asked me, the last time we met "How did you get into religion like that? What was the point for you?"
I could not say, because I don't know. Its not a religion. Its love. I am in love. There is not a particular moment, no road to Damascus that happened. I cannot explain but I think my heart was always pointing to Him, my feet were simply walking on the wrong paths. I don't know what "clicked", how, what words were said to me. I just know that at some point I realized who I was - His. Always. No matter what.

And this is just the beginning.

1 comment:

Kim Foo Young said...

im also in love with this post :P

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