Feb 11, 2011

Dreams we dare not dream...

When I was little, I never planned to be married and have a family. Oh, of course, I played "the bride", and was planning to marry my father (when I was 3), and was obsessed with brides in general.
But after my father was gone, I think I decided to stop being a girl. To want girl things. To stop dreaming girl things ( at least aloud). Perhaps in my small mind I felt that if I was a boy, a son - my father would stay. That he would want me. That he would miss me being gone from his life.

As I got older, I still was not planning to be married, or have kids. Girls that wanted to grow up and have 3, 5, 10 kids - I regarded them as freaks, frankly. Why would anyone want that large of a family?

I think the realization of this only struck me now - 30-some years later. After talking to and hearing about all these women, who have 2+ kids, some with 10!, it made me wonder - why is it that I don't have a strong sense of "family"? Why didn't *I* want these things? To have a house full of children, to be just home, just a mother, a home-maker. Am I not worthy of all that?

I've been working since I was 14, because our family needed the money. I don't think there was a point in my life (save for a lazy year of 97, when I got married) when I wasn't working. Me, an exemplary worker - that's what I am. No matter whether it's scrubbing the floors of Dunkin' Donuts, or bookkeeping for a major retail store, or doing translations for a global entertainment company - that is me, I guess. For an extra buck in my paycheck, for a pat on the head, I'll go the extra mile and drink the company's kool-aid. That's the identifier that I have created for myself.I've allowed myself to be robbed of all those things that I could have had.

After having my son, and having a house I have realized that that is not who I want to be. That's not the life I feel I deserve.

When God puts a dream in our heart, He doesn't do it to tease us with a distant glimpse of happiness that we can never have. Perhaps he, knowing our heart, shows us what we could be. I knew it for sometime now, but only now I feel the ache of living a life I wasn't meant to live.

I want to be a mother first. I want to make my home, and keep it clean, and have play dates with other mother's children, and have pot-luck dinners and muffin bake-offs at the church. I want to have a church group, and other women around me that I can lean on for support.

I don't want a career out in the world.I can, if I wanted to invest years and more years into it - make a lot of money. I have the skills, and I have the brains.
But I don't want to.

I want to be a stay at home wife, and life a quiet life, and to support my family and not worry about deadlines or time-crunches or bosses or reviews or playing office politics.

I want to wake up with my son at home with me, spend time teaching him, spending time with him, make my home comfy and home-like.I want to have more kids and stay home with them from their birth, and watch them grow. Yes, Lord, I want to be the little wife from the little house in the prairie.

I want to go to a missions trip and not worry about not having vacation days. I want to LIVE the life I am meant to life. Surely there is more to life than offices and cubicles and paychecks?

Is there, Father?

Its not possible financially, but nothing is impossible with God.

Nothing is impossible through God.


Kim Foo Young said...

I want this for you too. My heart aches for your pain from your childhood. I pray for healing in that. Love you so stinking much.

Karen said...

Your complete honesty amazes me... You are inspirational and obviously stronger than you know...
The Lord loves you and will grant all of the righteous desires of your heart. You are clearly faithful and dedicated... <3


Catalina said...

Thank you, Karen for your sweet words.

Dustine said...

hello, i stopped over from storing up treasures. i have been there. and let me say-with God all things are possible! i have found so much joy in being a frugal housewife (i never would have thought i'd be home bakin' bread) but i believe when God lays something on our hearts-he shows us how and gives us joy we couldn't have imagined. :)

Catalina said...

Thanks for your encouragement, Dustine!


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